Friday, October 9, 2009

sick


I feel sick in many different ways for the last few days. it started with a slight depression, and then i got a cold. I hate being sick, but still it has given me some time to think. I miss the part of me that I feel I've lost. I doubt a lot right now. I doubt him. I doubt myself.

I'd love to live in a perfect world where everything was organized and brandon worked as hard as I do. But it just seems like I do everything, and I'm so overwhelmed.

All I do is work for other people, or for some crazy goal which I won't be happy with even if I get that far. I guess it's just that not muchmakes me happy anymore, and I don't know why.

The times I was the happiest was when I was a kid. I guess it's because I felt taken care of, and now I feel so much on my own. That's why I feel in love with Brandon in the first place, is because I thought he took care of me so well. But ever since his car accident almost a year ago, all I've done is take care of him, and I've gotten hardly anything back. The couple times I've been sick or depressed during that time he's been sick too, or just plain selfish.

I don't know why I feel the need to ramble about this. I guess it's because typing is easier than writing sometimes, and sharing with the internet world is easier than talking.

i just feel so fake, and i need some kind of reassurance.....or maybe i need to learn how not to crave that reassurance. maybe i just need my self confidence back. maybe i should just stop being so fucking paranoid all the time.

life was better when i had drugs to take the edge off. it sucks being clean.

Monday, August 24, 2009

hidden


i'm enjoying that this blog is my hidden little place where i can write things for the world to see and yet i feel so very alone. i don't link to this blog from anywhere. only people that read my zine, or really know me, or just happen to come across this page read what i write here. that's pretty cool.

it's like anti-press.

i just thought i'd bitch a little bit about boys. they are so freaking stupid. i've been living with mine for four years and he doesn't do shit. but we have good sex, and sometimes i think that's all we have.

it's just nice to have this little place where i can be honest. i tried to talk to him tonight but he gives me no response. i thought all day about what i would say to him, how i would express how i felt, without getting angry--just really being honest. but the only response i got was the same old excuses and then silence.

i am feeling like i do all the work and he does the bare minimum. but he doesn't really care.

sometimes i just doubt him so much. but yet the thought of him leaving makes me sick to my stomach. i do love him.

i want sour patch kids.

dyxj==!!!!!!

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

today was a cramp day




I feel so horrible today. I woke up in agony. So much pain from cramps, the worst in like 10 years probably. It felt like I was having contractions--that bad. I was literally crying. Brandon gave me one of his pain pills and it went away in about an hour, but then I felt weird and sick to my stomach.

I can't have days like this right now. I have too much to do. I'm so filled with doubt sometimes, and paranoia. I always work soooooo hard to make things happen and fight my way through all these hardships and battles, and then I'm so scared that someday it's all going to fall apart, or things aren't going to actually work out how I need them to. It's impossible for me sometimes, to just sit back and enjoy the process of things happening and just be happy with what I have already.

So I sat down today and wrote and illustrated a children's book idea that I had been ruminating on for awhile now. It turned out really good I think! I layed it out like a quarter page zine, except I fucked up the layout and have to do it over.

It's always gotta be something.

People have the habit of asking me, when they see me doing something, "What are you doing that for?" I hate that. No--I'm not doing that for a school project. I'm not doing it for a "job". I'm not doing it for anybody else except for myself, and the people that might appreciate it. Why do people need so many reasons to create?

Friday, May 1, 2009

facebook group

There is a Facebook group for the Wandering Uterus now....just thought I should let you know in case you are into that.

Join here

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

volume three!

the printed zine is back! volume three now up and running! the zine has a different look now--half size, 16 pages, black/white images, stapled instead of stab bound.

however, each issue is now a limited edition of 50, and is signed and numbered by the artist!


volume three includes black/white photos of my artwork, the full article "curating alternative spaces" which as been popular on the gallery website, other writings by myself, some great art quotes, and other inspiration.

if you are interested, you can buy it here. as always, feel free to e-mail me at sarah@theeclipsegallery.com

peace.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

WRONG!


I freaking hate negative people. When I was first thinking of buying the building I now own for the gallery, my in-laws were extremely negative about the entire prospect. They said, "It's a bad time" "The renovations will cost too much" "You need to finish college first" "The kids won't have a big yard" and all sorts of nonsense. It was very aggravating, and so we didn't include them in our plans at all. They were not informed about the entire months long process until we actually owned the building--so there. The one fix that they said would cost the most and devastate us were some bricks that were falling down from the back of the building. They said, "That will cost you $40,000!!!!!!!" Well....hehehehe....we got the estimate today and it's going to cost a whopping $1300!!!!! HA!

These are the same kind of people that will tell you that your dreams are not practical. They will tell you that you should work a day job. They will tell you that it's not possible, to play it safe, to not take any chances. They think you should work a soul-deadening job your whole life just so you can retire in fucking Florida. Thank god my parents were different.

My parents told me, "Of course you can be an artist" and that anything was possible if I believed in my dreams. My parents started me in violin lessons when I was three and reading books since I was four. My parents let me make my own mistakes and live my own life, never discouraging me--EVER--even when they knew I was making the wrong choice. And yeah, there were times when I had to learn the hard way, but that's what I needed. That's what made me become an independent, creative, bold person.

Whoever is telling you to NOT do something, even if it's that little voice in your head....

DON'T LISTEN! Don't let a few falling down bricks stand in your way.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

why?

why does everything always go wrong, take longer than expected, cost more than estimated? why does the world fuck me over every time? maybe this is why everybody always told me it was a long shot, maybe i really do dream impossible dreams....

so i guess it will just take me longer than expected, so what--it's better than ending it i suppose.
even during the times where i'm at my darkest i know deep down i really don't want it to end. as comforting as that thought might be. i've already been through enough to know that it would be a waste.

i guess i've always set unreasonable goals. why i shouldn't be surprised that they don't always work out. i teeter totter between optimism and despair. it might be easier to quit, but i really can't do anything else.

i really can't do anything else. i can't work 9-5. i can't be in an office, doing the drudge work. the only think i know how to do is art-related. and that's all i want to do.

i guess i can't let a bit of money stand in my way, we'll find it somehow, someway. it will probably be easier than i think. it usually is when i feel like this. things always work out somehow.

why life has to be so confusing, i don't know

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Mother to Son

Well, son, I'll tell you:
Life for me ain't been no crystal stair.
It's had tacks in it,
And splinters,
And boards torn up,
And places with no carpet on the floor—
Bare.
But all the time
I'se been a-climbin' on,
And reachin' landin's,
And turnin' corners,
And sometimes goin' in the dark
Where there ain't been no light.
So, boy, don't you turn back.
Don't you set down on the steps.
'Cause you finds it's kinder hard.
Don't you fall now—
For I'se still goin', honey,
I'se still climbin',
And life for me ain't been no crystal stair.

--Langston Hughes

P.S. I got a new camera--a Nikon P80 and it ROCKS.
P.P.S. Unfortunately, I'm on my eighth day sitting with Brandon in the hospital. He got in a car accident (not his fault) and is in fairly bad shape. Hopefully will be getting out tomorrow but months and months of rehab after....let's just say it sucks ass.

Please make sure to check out my updated websites--they're shiny and bright and make me happy

Visual Influence
The Emergence Project
The Eclipse Gallery

And just to warn you, I love Wordpress so much now I might be switching this blog over too. Then again, I might not. Maybe this is better off on the DL for people who actually care to dig deep enough into who I am to find it.

Monday, December 8, 2008

camera broken!

my camera broke last weekend, first i dropped it right on the lens on Thanksgiving (a bit too much bloody mary's and wine, combined with high heels, I think) and Brandon actually took it all apart, got it working again somewhat (although half the pictures were blurry for some reason) anyway...so then this weekend it finally just refused to turn on..poop.

brandon went Christmas shopping for me yesterday and when he came home said, oh I have a present you need to have right away--it's important you have it now. So I'm thinking--sweet! a new camera. Nope. it was a paper shredder. he said---i shit you not--"now you can save the earth a bit more instead of waiting until after christmas" (because instead of recycling my bills and stuff with our info on it I throw them away because I had my identity stolen before yes! isn't my life wonderful???) and the other box for me looks like it might be a mixer--something i've wanted for awhile now, and the box is that size, and heavy...but i'm thinking of asking him now, so that i can exchange it for a camera....would that be awful?

ugh..actually what i really need is glasses. i've been reading all day and my eyes are sooo freaking blurry and glazed over right now. it sucks.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

snowed in


lots of snow today.............