Sunday, December 21, 2008
Life for me ain't been no crystal stair.
It's had tacks in it,
And boards torn up,
And places with no carpet on the floor—
But all the time
I'se been a-climbin' on,
And reachin' landin's,
And turnin' corners,
And sometimes goin' in the dark
Where there ain't been no light.
So, boy, don't you turn back.
Don't you set down on the steps.
'Cause you finds it's kinder hard.
Don't you fall now—
For I'se still goin', honey,
I'se still climbin',
And life for me ain't been no crystal stair.
P.S. I got a new camera--a Nikon P80 and it ROCKS.
P.P.S. Unfortunately, I'm on my eighth day sitting with Brandon in the hospital. He got in a car accident (not his fault) and is in fairly bad shape. Hopefully will be getting out tomorrow but months and months of rehab after....let's just say it sucks ass.
Please make sure to check out my updated websites--they're shiny and bright and make me happy
The Emergence Project
The Eclipse Gallery
And just to warn you, I love Wordpress so much now I might be switching this blog over too. Then again, I might not. Maybe this is better off on the DL for people who actually care to dig deep enough into who I am to find it.
Monday, December 8, 2008
brandon went Christmas shopping for me yesterday and when he came home said, oh I have a present you need to have right away--it's important you have it now. So I'm thinking--sweet! a new camera. Nope. it was a paper shredder. he said---i shit you not--"now you can save the earth a bit more instead of waiting until after christmas" (because instead of recycling my bills and stuff with our info on it I throw them away because I had my identity stolen before yes! isn't my life wonderful???) and the other box for me looks like it might be a mixer--something i've wanted for awhile now, and the box is that size, and heavy...but i'm thinking of asking him now, so that i can exchange it for a camera....would that be awful?
ugh..actually what i really need is glasses. i've been reading all day and my eyes are sooo freaking blurry and glazed over right now. it sucks.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
stuck in chair
staring at something that isn't
wanting to slip
i can't do
i can't find
nothing ever does
should be happy
bills to pay
minds to make
risks to take
paint to spray
can't do it
pick up violin, play
fingers clumsy after all
can't feel, only think
how can it feel this wrong?
slept on the couch
crisp brisk walk
he doesn't want
says it couldn't be
made our choices
so he says
i guess that's too much
can't take it
not a fucking word
he loved me
wish we could
but you can't
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Monday, December 1, 2008
my son's biological dad tried to snatch matt out of school behind my back the day before thanksgiving. he hasn't seen him in about a year and we are currently in a custody dispute. he didn't even call me, stop by my house (like he usually does with the cops like a moron) or anything--just went to the school and tried to take him (not the first time he has pulled a stunt like this). luckily my son's school has a great security system, and told him to go on his way.. but they were still scared for matt's safety and even kept him inside during recess...i was so paranoid the whole weekend that the fuckhead would break into our house or something--he is so off and there is nothing i can do.
i had a dream last night that i talked to him on the phone and called him out about everything he had ever done to me--raping me when i was seventeen, getting me on crack, controlling me, manipulating me for years, and the lies and deception and falsehoods, the physical abuse, the threats, making my life hell for the last 8 years....and that he just left me alone after that. i mean seriously--you knocked up a 19 year old girl that you had brainwashed and strung out for two years when you were 48 years old--and now that she has turned her life around and is being such a good mother to your "son" you are going to fuck with her every chance you get. wow that really shows so much appreciation for the person that is raising your kid, let alone a person you DESTROYED the life of at one time.
just leave me alone! please! i've paid 8 years for this mistake why can't it just be dealt with, gone, done?!
i know you have nothing else but this vauge connection to my son...but he's not yours. he's not. and he never has been. the only thing you have ever brought us is misery, pain, and confusion. if i could ever say i hated someone it would be you.
and you know exactly what hurts me. and you know exactly what makes me nervous. but i'm not going to let you do that to me anymore. this incident didn't ruin my holiday and it didn't ruin my weekend. it didn't keep me up at night and i'm not going to let it make me nervous now.
nothing you do affects me anymore. just give it up already. and let my son have the good, non-abusive life that he so deserves.
let there finally be peace in my mind and let me forget i ever knew you.
what do you do when a person isn't rational? when they won't accept any shred of sensibility? when they can't admit defeat? when they refuse to let you go?
Saturday, November 29, 2008
nothing will make you feel better more than a brisk walk on a cool but bright early winter day in door county. we went to shivering sands today, a hidden treasure protected by the nature conservancy.
what brought us to door county in the first place was the nature--it is so gorgeous here, even in the winter. i love the change of the seasons. i've lived in places that were warm all the time (florida, gerogia, arizona, and california) and i really love wisconsin more than all of those places. hard to believe for some people but true...
the winters may be long and get really cold but there is nothing better than walking in a quiet woods through knee-deep snow, which will be here soon enough...nobody near...sitting on a snowbank drinking coffee--getting in a snowball fight...or cross country skiing....or climbing on ice-covered cliffs if you really need your heart pumping.
things look different, smell different, in the winter...it really clears your head.
brandon and i have decided we are going to self-publish a guide on the best spots in door county and algoma for nature, art, food, and other must-see treasures, and for the different seasons. that way when people come visit us and we are too busy with the gallery, we can at least share the best destinations with them.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
i randomly came across this pic and i don't know why i like his look so much...
as much as i love brandon i still get attracted to other guys a lot...is that wrong? does that mean i don't really love him as much as i should? hope not.
other times i just wish that brandon were an artist--is that weird? then again that might be too much, to have two artists around. probably wouldn't work out anyway. i couldn't stand anybody that had an ego as big as mine. although it would be nice to have a man that understands art more. it's frustrating to talk to brandon sometimes--it's like talking to a freaking wall. not that he's stupid--just that he is always tired from work and doesn't have the energy to give to me when i'm manic.
i guess that's why i'm on here typing
brandon is actually hotter than this guy...but sometimes i get freaked out over the fact that i've promised to sleep only with brandon for the rest of my life. if he ever thought that way about me i'd be outraged and want to kill him...i guess that's just my double standard
Monday, November 24, 2008
my kids are soooo happy. the snowpants/boots/hats/gloves selection at target was sweet.
kali's hat is my fave.
a new book i forgot i ordered: one off--unique retail design and sooo pretty & inspiring
mail art from texas=awesome. will post on visual influence
random knitting project
handmade x-mas cards from mew paper arts (i tried to make my own this x-mas but they look like crap. i'll send those to people i don't really like..just kidding..or am i?)
putting things away in my studio and having everything micro-organized!
all those empty shelves to fill!
laundry/textile supply area, and some random knitting
on the windowsill--an old box of my dad's filled with shells, bones, and rocks
my new 8 foot, 6 inch long shelf filled with all my clear glass miscellenae
this was brandon's mothers--my kitchen thanks her
my son's room now completely clean & organized and all toys have homes. plus we found this little vintage bank yesterday
vintage globe found at goodwill for cheapo a while back
stained glass handmade by a friend of my mothers that used to babysit me
palm tree from the craftivism exhibition with a textile cozy assembled by faythe levine
my winterized door in the background, yay for warm kitchens
--and my first knitting project hanging out over there
the view from this chair
still trying to figure out why the snow is melting like that? it's pretty though
so today i went around with my crappy little camera and took some pictures of what is making me happy today
the main things are
--my house is shaping up nicely and getting uber organized, only a few boxes left to unpack
-- my studio is now up and running and makes me smile everytime i see those bright red cabinets and imagining all the possibilities. if you are ever in algoma give me a call and come do some art with me. please. i need some friends around here.
--my kids are happy it snowed and are having fun playing in it
and hey--it's almost thanksgiving! my dad, sister, and niece are coming to visit tomorrow night! yay...mmm....sweet potatoes
Saturday, November 22, 2008
You know, maybe it's a good thing I'm grown up now. I got a new fridge today and it makes me waaayy too happy. i mean i actually hugged my fridge. seriously. it's not that i had a bad fridge before--but we needed a new fridge for one of our rental apartments so we were looking through the paper to find a used one. and what we found was amazing--a huge wonderful great *almost* new fridge for really cheap (which is the biggest reason i'm so happy--i love saving $).
and it makes ice. how novel. (wondering if brandon will be able to figure that out any time soon though...)
so we went and got this fridge and spent half a day getting it up our stairs and such--such a pain but worth it! i still can't get over how happy i am about it. it just made me realize that i shouldn't be mad about being a grown up. because i can buy pretty appliances that make me glad i'm alive. that sounds ridiculously pathetic but its true.
and hugging fridges is really better than hugging toilets which is what i used to do
PLUS ya'll get to see the exciting contents of my fridge. i swear there are not two bottles of vodka in my freezer...it's okay they were on sale.
so tomorrow we are taking the fridge we had in our place down to my studio because it's smaller and perfect for drinks and such...then taking the kinda crappy studio fridge up to the rental apartment, you know, fridge shufflin--that's how we like to spend our sundays.
i'm really glad brandon has muscles.
see--all that sadness over the past couple weeks all wiped away.
it's the little things
Friday, November 21, 2008
i really just wanted to be crazy tonight--to feel young and free and maybe just have a glimpse of what my life used to be like back when i didn't give a ---
but brandon was sick and the Vacant show was awesome but we were just quick in and out
see i was really hoping for an afterparty or something
and i would have totally been game for driving to madison on a whim or something like that, going to a real party and hanging out with some of my old friends who are still around.
why is it impossible for me to be spontaneous anymore? i miss that about me. that's why i feel so trapped sometimes. brandon didn't want to do that because --even though our kids were safe and sound at grandma's for the entire night and next morning --because why???
damn he looked so good tonight
but we just went home and i was just pissed the whole drive back, brandon's talking about the stars and what order the fucking planets are in--is mars closer or further away from the sun --who the fuck cares? can't you just give me what i need? one night of release, one night of forgetting, or remembering--however you want to look at it. one night of reckless abandon.
everyday i have to be uber responsible. and i don't even have any real friends up here yet. so it's always just the same old shit day after day after day after day after day after day after day
i really do love my life. i just needed something, anything...........
In other news--Brandon and I are actually going out tonight and doing something without kids for the first time in like a fucking year. And it's art-related! Yes--we'll be at the Vacant show in Green Bay so I'm very excited to feel like a human again.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
I had an episode Friday night that I haven't had in a long time--I completely shut down--I felt so trapped. Hard to explain but it was absolute hell. It had been a long time since I felt like that, probably over a year. I used to do this constantly--sometimes for months at a time. They said I was bi-polar and gave me medication which didn't work. That was a few years ago. I stopped taking it after a year and I immediately felt better--because I had to take responsibility for my own actions. Believe me, the last thing I needed was more drugs.
Later, it was hard for me to accept happiness. Still is sometimes. I have everything going for me right now, exactly the way I wanted it to go--better in fact. Yet sometimes I feel so down on myself, my situation, I want things to be different. It usually happens when I'm overtired, or haven't eaten (I have a problem remembering to eat). Friday all I had eaten the entire day was a piece of toast and a few cups of coffee. I was working really hard on things and all the sudden it was 7:00 PM...I have to stop doing that. To make a long story short I flipped out and never did get anything else to eat that night. I refused to talk to anybody for about four hours, and just stared blankly into space, thinking bad thoughts, spinning down into my old familiar hole. Finally, my son came over and asked what was wrong, and I told him--it's not your fault. it's not dad's fault. i just need to be alone right now...but that really snapped me out of it--like--i'm hurting my son here. he's afraid for me. at that point brandon could see i was coming around and he soothed me the rest of the way. in the morning I felt fine again. Except I'm having an energy problem now. These renovations are really getting overwhelming--I just have to take it one step at a time and not get ahead of myself. Yesterday I pulled staples out of the floor all day. Ish.
I really need my studio finished, but other things have been more important to finish first. Now I realize that my studio is REALLY important for my own sake. I have to finish painting these cabinets so I can put my art supplies away--and therefore have space to actually work. That's probably all that is wrong with me....I haven't done any art for myself in forever. Art for school doesn't count. It's mind-numbingly idotic and almost requires that you can't do anything cutting edge or different. That's another thing--I am so freaking sick of school...but it would be stupid to quit now.
It's hard to be a returning adult student. I always feel like the professors are talking down to me. Going to school I feel like I de-volve. I go from being an adult to being treated like a kid. It's worse than High School because at least then I was stoned all the time. There is one professor in particular this semester that always assumes that students couldn't possibly have any knowledge of art already. It's horrible...
There are so many classes where I already know the information or we are doing very basic projects. It's such a freaking waste of time! Especially art history classes, a subject that I have always been interested in and studied on my own since I was in about sixth grade. I was talking about it to another student and she gasped in amazement at why I never go to class and yet am still getting A's--she said, "have you taken other art history classes?" NO! These kids think that the only way you can learn anything is through classes--no--I've had almost ten years since H.S. to learn on my own here----I actually read books!
Jumping through the hoops for a piece of paper to prove to snobby people that I actually know what I know.
85% of what I've learned in school I knew before or isn't applicable for who I am as a person and what I am doing with my life. The other 15% is of course, awesome--like the classes for gallery management and art business--but what I had to go through to get there--ugh! Luckily, I'm now at the point where I don't have to take any more general or lower level classes! yay! See--there I am looking on the bright side!
I'm going part time next semester, since I'm getting ready to open the gallery. I don't really care how long it takes me to graduate. I'm already doing what I want to do in the real world. I'll suffer through the rest of college. I knew there was a reason I didn't want to go right after H.S....
Friday, November 7, 2008
Sometimes I wonder if I could have saved him, if somehow his death is my fault. I tried for as long as I could. I believed in him. He could be so intelligent, so talented...there are so many what if's. Sometimes I think about him and I can't admit he's dead, I still think he's in prison. But no, he's never getting out...but he got the out that he wanted for so long. It was his choice.
Sometimes I crave the whole lifestyle we had--the h made us feel like we were gods, it made everything perfect and okay if only for a little while until the misery hit again...Sometimes even now, years later, I still miss that feeling. I can still feel that feeling if I try hard enough, for a split second. It's true what they say that once you're an addict, you always will be.
His name is tattooed on my leg. And I don't regret it.
One of the last letters he wrote me from prison included the lyrics to Radiohead's Creep. In another letter he told me I would find a man one day that treated me the way I deserve to be treated and that I would be happy. He was right. I am happy. But we needed Cory in this world. I don't care what anybody says about junkies. Don't fucking give up on people. If everybody would've given up on me, I would have ended up in prison too. Cory was an extreme case, no doubt...but there is always hope. The problem was HE didn't believe in himself. Luckily, I do believe in myself, which is why I could pick myself up from the muck and CHANGE.
The moral of the story is that people CAN change. I did.
Friday, October 17, 2008
dreams really do come true will be my theme, as I am so entirely happy with me life right now.
Make sure to check out the link for this exchange, and make some zines for it! Basically you make 25, and for $10, you get back 20 different zines!
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
And it's not going to get any easier. Tonight I have to finish cleaning my old apartment (I was there for nine hours yesterday and it still isn't done. At one point I was so tired that I went to the bathroom and forgot to zip and button my pants afterward--the worst part is I didn't realize it until about 10 minutes later) And then I have to go home and try to get a little more organized. Find my deodorant at least.
The rest of the week will entail catching up on assignments, unpacking and organizing, and then I will be fixing up this building for the next ten years. The good news is, by June, I should have the gallery up and running.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Only four days 'till the move!
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Some of you know that I am in the middle of a custody battle for my six year old son. His biological dad is evil incarnate, and was trying to get me thrown into jail by making many false accusations against me. I went to court yesterday and the judge threw the case out within 10 minutes. Now I am filing for full custody, and it will be a long process, but hopefully, if there is any justice in this world, my son won't have to be subjected to that lunatic. I just want what is best for my son and for him to have a normal life without any bad things happening. I'm so scared for my son. But after this triumph in the courtroom, I feel much more confident that the judge will see it my way.
Friday, September 12, 2008
If you are interested in purchasing, e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org
Thursday, August 28, 2008
I just turned 26, but I'm still in college finishing up my degree because I didn't start school until I was 23. So I have a full semester ahead of me including 16 credits. My son, Matt is in 1st grade and is involved in Cubscouts and sports, so that is always a lot of work. And then I have my four-year-old step daughter Kali whom I teach violin to and we practice our violins together everyday, have tea-parties, and do hair, among other girly things that are fun but time-consuming.
THEN, I just bought a building for my gallery and home that I will be closing on in a couple weeks. I have inspections, and paperwork, and praying that the deal will go through. Then we will be packing an entire house and moving, getting settled in a new place, and try to completely renovate the storefront so that I can open my gallery by NEXT SUMMER. I don't know how the hell we are going to get it done in time, but that is the goal and we will try.
Other worries include a gruesome custody battle that is going on right now with my son's biological father, who is being a real jerk to me, (apparently I'm a horrible child-eating monster) even though he is the one who hasn't been active in his son's life EVER. I won't even get into it, it makes me so angry. All I have ever done is be the best mom possible, I do everything for our kids, and always put them first. He has done NOTHING and yet thinks he can drag me into court, wasting a ton of my money, for what? For him to flake out on Matt again? Lots of bad feelings there. This is the same guy that got me addicted to crack when I was 17, raped me, and kept me under his control (and the drug's control) for two years of my life, while we lived in trucks and cockroach motels. And he was 47 years old at the time!
What is so awful about the past, is that you can never escape it. I have another court date on September 16th, where I am going to have to DEFEND myself against this crazy man's accusations! That's what really gets to me. I've come so far in my life, especially within the past three or four years. I've completely evolved as a person and have grown up exponentially. I am now a creative, smart, responsible, loving, adult. But I'm still being punished for the mistakes I made when I was a teenager.
However, I can't bitch because all of my dreams are becoming true. I am about the become a gallery owner, something I have wanted to be since I was nine years old and ran the Mango Jam Art Shop out of a little room off my parent's dining room.
BUT, I LOVE fall, and I am even starting to love winter. So whenever I get stressed, I will go walk on the beach in my new home of Algoma, or take a walk through the woods of Door County, and remember how far I've come and how happy I am. Truly. You can't help where you've been, but at least you are in control of where you are going.
People can change. I did.