Friday, November 21, 2008

being grown up blows sometimes


i really just wanted to be crazy tonight--to feel young and free and maybe just have a glimpse of what my life used to be like back when i didn't give a ---

but brandon was sick and the Vacant show was awesome but we were just quick in and out
see i was really hoping for an afterparty or something
and i would have totally been game for driving to madison on a whim or something like that, going to a real party and hanging out with some of my old friends who are still around.

why is it impossible for me to be spontaneous anymore? i miss that about me. that's why i feel so trapped sometimes. brandon didn't want to do that because --even though our kids were safe and sound at grandma's for the entire night and next morning --because why???

damn he looked so good tonight

but we just went home and i was just pissed the whole drive back, brandon's talking about the stars and what order the fucking planets are in--is mars closer or further away from the sun --who the fuck cares? can't you just give me what i need? one night of release, one night of forgetting, or remembering--however you want to look at it. one night of reckless abandon.

everyday i have to be uber responsible. and i don't even have any real friends up here yet. so it's always just the same old shit day after day after day after day after day after day after day

i really do love my life. i just needed something, anything...........

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