Sunday, November 16, 2008
I had an episode Friday night that I haven't had in a long time--I completely shut down--I felt so trapped. Hard to explain but it was absolute hell. It had been a long time since I felt like that, probably over a year. I used to do this constantly--sometimes for months at a time. They said I was bi-polar and gave me medication which didn't work. That was a few years ago. I stopped taking it after a year and I immediately felt better--because I had to take responsibility for my own actions. Believe me, the last thing I needed was more drugs.
Later, it was hard for me to accept happiness. Still is sometimes. I have everything going for me right now, exactly the way I wanted it to go--better in fact. Yet sometimes I feel so down on myself, my situation, I want things to be different. It usually happens when I'm overtired, or haven't eaten (I have a problem remembering to eat). Friday all I had eaten the entire day was a piece of toast and a few cups of coffee. I was working really hard on things and all the sudden it was 7:00 PM...I have to stop doing that. To make a long story short I flipped out and never did get anything else to eat that night. I refused to talk to anybody for about four hours, and just stared blankly into space, thinking bad thoughts, spinning down into my old familiar hole. Finally, my son came over and asked what was wrong, and I told him--it's not your fault. it's not dad's fault. i just need to be alone right now...but that really snapped me out of it--like--i'm hurting my son here. he's afraid for me. at that point brandon could see i was coming around and he soothed me the rest of the way. in the morning I felt fine again. Except I'm having an energy problem now. These renovations are really getting overwhelming--I just have to take it one step at a time and not get ahead of myself. Yesterday I pulled staples out of the floor all day. Ish.
I really need my studio finished, but other things have been more important to finish first. Now I realize that my studio is REALLY important for my own sake. I have to finish painting these cabinets so I can put my art supplies away--and therefore have space to actually work. That's probably all that is wrong with me....I haven't done any art for myself in forever. Art for school doesn't count. It's mind-numbingly idotic and almost requires that you can't do anything cutting edge or different. That's another thing--I am so freaking sick of school...but it would be stupid to quit now.
It's hard to be a returning adult student. I always feel like the professors are talking down to me. Going to school I feel like I de-volve. I go from being an adult to being treated like a kid. It's worse than High School because at least then I was stoned all the time. There is one professor in particular this semester that always assumes that students couldn't possibly have any knowledge of art already. It's horrible...
There are so many classes where I already know the information or we are doing very basic projects. It's such a freaking waste of time! Especially art history classes, a subject that I have always been interested in and studied on my own since I was in about sixth grade. I was talking about it to another student and she gasped in amazement at why I never go to class and yet am still getting A's--she said, "have you taken other art history classes?" NO! These kids think that the only way you can learn anything is through classes--no--I've had almost ten years since H.S. to learn on my own here----I actually read books!
Jumping through the hoops for a piece of paper to prove to snobby people that I actually know what I know.
85% of what I've learned in school I knew before or isn't applicable for who I am as a person and what I am doing with my life. The other 15% is of course, awesome--like the classes for gallery management and art business--but what I had to go through to get there--ugh! Luckily, I'm now at the point where I don't have to take any more general or lower level classes! yay! See--there I am looking on the bright side!
I'm going part time next semester, since I'm getting ready to open the gallery. I don't really care how long it takes me to graduate. I'm already doing what I want to do in the real world. I'll suffer through the rest of college. I knew there was a reason I didn't want to go right after H.S....