Friday, November 7, 2008

Loss


Sometimes I just miss Cory so much. I still think of him like he is my best friend. Songs, especially, trigger memories of him. I was listening to "Fade To Black" by Metallica and remember him telling me about when he was a kid he used to lay in his bed listening to that song and contemplate suicide. It's so sad that such a young kid could be tortured so much, as I know many other kids are. That time in your life that everybody has trouble with--but some people can never recover from. Of course all the drinking and drugs didn't help.

Sometimes I wonder if I could have saved him, if somehow his death is my fault. I tried for as long as I could. I believed in him. He could be so intelligent, so talented...there are so many what if's. Sometimes I think about him and I can't admit he's dead, I still think he's in prison. But no, he's never getting out...but he got the out that he wanted for so long. It was his choice.

Sometimes I crave the whole lifestyle we had--the h made us feel like we were gods, it made everything perfect and okay if only for a little while until the misery hit again...Sometimes even now, years later, I still miss that feeling. I can still feel that feeling if I try hard enough, for a split second. It's true what they say that once you're an addict, you always will be.

His name is tattooed on my leg. And I don't regret it.

One of the last letters he wrote me from prison included the lyrics to Radiohead's Creep. In another letter he told me I would find a man one day that treated me the way I deserve to be treated and that I would be happy. He was right. I am happy. But we needed Cory in this world. I don't care what anybody says about junkies. Don't fucking give up on people. If everybody would've given up on me, I would have ended up in prison too. Cory was an extreme case, no doubt...but there is always hope. The problem was HE didn't believe in himself. Luckily, I do believe in myself, which is why I could pick myself up from the muck and CHANGE.

The moral of the story is that people CAN change. I did.

2 comments:

JafaBrit's Art said...

What a journey and so hard to lose someone along the way. I am glad you were able to change. sorry about your friend.

sarahelizabeth said...

Thanks