Sunday, December 21, 2008

Mother to Son

Well, son, I'll tell you:
Life for me ain't been no crystal stair.
It's had tacks in it,
And splinters,
And boards torn up,
And places with no carpet on the floor—
But all the time
I'se been a-climbin' on,
And reachin' landin's,
And turnin' corners,
And sometimes goin' in the dark
Where there ain't been no light.
So, boy, don't you turn back.
Don't you set down on the steps.
'Cause you finds it's kinder hard.
Don't you fall now—
For I'se still goin', honey,
I'se still climbin',
And life for me ain't been no crystal stair.

--Langston Hughes

P.S. I got a new camera--a Nikon P80 and it ROCKS.
P.P.S. Unfortunately, I'm on my eighth day sitting with Brandon in the hospital. He got in a car accident (not his fault) and is in fairly bad shape. Hopefully will be getting out tomorrow but months and months of rehab after....let's just say it sucks ass.

Please make sure to check out my updated websites--they're shiny and bright and make me happy

Visual Influence
The Emergence Project
The Eclipse Gallery

And just to warn you, I love Wordpress so much now I might be switching this blog over too. Then again, I might not. Maybe this is better off on the DL for people who actually care to dig deep enough into who I am to find it.

Monday, December 8, 2008

camera broken!

my camera broke last weekend, first i dropped it right on the lens on Thanksgiving (a bit too much bloody mary's and wine, combined with high heels, I think) and Brandon actually took it all apart, got it working again somewhat (although half the pictures were blurry for some reason) then this weekend it finally just refused to turn on..poop.

brandon went Christmas shopping for me yesterday and when he came home said, oh I have a present you need to have right away--it's important you have it now. So I'm thinking--sweet! a new camera. Nope. it was a paper shredder. he said---i shit you not--"now you can save the earth a bit more instead of waiting until after christmas" (because instead of recycling my bills and stuff with our info on it I throw them away because I had my identity stolen before yes! isn't my life wonderful???) and the other box for me looks like it might be a mixer--something i've wanted for awhile now, and the box is that size, and heavy...but i'm thinking of asking him now, so that i can exchange it for a camera....would that be awful?

ugh..actually what i really need is glasses. i've been reading all day and my eyes are sooo freaking blurry and glazed over right now. it sucks.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

snowed in

lots of snow today.............

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

can't do it/not today

feel nothing

stuck in chair

staring at something that isn't

hating time

wanting to slip

i can't do

can't move

i can't find

no direction

can't do

can't go


falling apart

nothing ever does


should be happy

bills to pay

minds to make

risks to take

paint to spray

can't do it

not today

random ambition

pick up violin, play

fingers clumsy after all

can't feel, only think

why didn't...............................................

how can it feel this wrong?

Battling again

slept on the couch


about past

crisp brisk walk



he doesn't want

says it couldn't be

made our choices

so he says


only had

it wasn't

just want

with you

i guess that's too much

can't take it


didn't respond


not a fucking word

shut down



he loved me


wish we could

but you can't

no matter

no matter

no matter

dolly freed

image credit

Possum Living


Do you want to get out of the rat race but not drop out? Do you want to live a life of leisure without worry or guilt? If your answer is yes, Dolly Freed will show you how to live well without a job and without working very hard.

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Keep Reading...


Monday, December 1, 2008


lots of things to be nervous about today....not a particularly great feeling but

my son's biological dad tried to snatch matt out of school behind my back the day before thanksgiving. he hasn't seen him in about a year and we are currently in a custody dispute. he didn't even call me, stop by my house (like he usually does with the cops like a moron) or anything--just went to the school and tried to take him (not the first time he has pulled a stunt like this). luckily my son's school has a great security system, and told him to go on his way.. but they were still scared for matt's safety and even kept him inside during recess...i was so paranoid the whole weekend that the fuckhead would break into our house or something--he is so off and there is nothing i can do.

i had a dream last night that i talked to him on the phone and called him out about everything he had ever done to me--raping me when i was seventeen, getting me on crack, controlling me, manipulating me for years, and the lies and deception and falsehoods, the physical abuse, the threats, making my life hell for the last 8 years....and that he just left me alone after that. i mean seriously--you knocked up a 19 year old girl that you had brainwashed and strung out for two years when you were 48 years old--and now that she has turned her life around and is being such a good mother to your "son" you are going to fuck with her every chance you get. wow that really shows so much appreciation for the person that is raising your kid, let alone a person you DESTROYED the life of at one time.

just leave me alone! please! i've paid 8 years for this mistake why can't it just be dealt with, gone, done?!

i know you have nothing else but this vauge connection to my son...but he's not yours. he's not. and he never has been. the only thing you have ever brought us is misery, pain, and confusion. if i could ever say i hated someone it would be you.

and you know exactly what hurts me. and you know exactly what makes me nervous. but i'm not going to let you do that to me anymore. this incident didn't ruin my holiday and it didn't ruin my weekend. it didn't keep me up at night and i'm not going to let it make me nervous now.

nothing you do affects me anymore. just give it up already. and let my son have the good, non-abusive life that he so deserves.

let there finally be peace in my mind and let me forget i ever knew you.

what do you do when a person isn't rational? when they won't accept any shred of sensibility? when they can't admit defeat? when they refuse to let you go?