Monday, December 1, 2008

nervoussssssssssssness

lots of things to be nervous about today....not a particularly great feeling but

my son's biological dad tried to snatch matt out of school behind my back the day before thanksgiving. he hasn't seen him in about a year and we are currently in a custody dispute. he didn't even call me, stop by my house (like he usually does with the cops like a moron) or anything--just went to the school and tried to take him (not the first time he has pulled a stunt like this). luckily my son's school has a great security system, and told him to go on his way.. but they were still scared for matt's safety and even kept him inside during recess...i was so paranoid the whole weekend that the fuckhead would break into our house or something--he is so off and there is nothing i can do.

i had a dream last night that i talked to him on the phone and called him out about everything he had ever done to me--raping me when i was seventeen, getting me on crack, controlling me, manipulating me for years, and the lies and deception and falsehoods, the physical abuse, the threats, making my life hell for the last 8 years....and that he just left me alone after that. i mean seriously--you knocked up a 19 year old girl that you had brainwashed and strung out for two years when you were 48 years old--and now that she has turned her life around and is being such a good mother to your "son" you are going to fuck with her every chance you get. wow that really shows so much appreciation for the person that is raising your kid, let alone a person you DESTROYED the life of at one time.

just leave me alone! please! i've paid 8 years for this mistake why can't it just be dealt with, gone, done?!

i know you have nothing else but this vauge connection to my son...but he's not yours. he's not. and he never has been. the only thing you have ever brought us is misery, pain, and confusion. if i could ever say i hated someone it would be you.

and you know exactly what hurts me. and you know exactly what makes me nervous. but i'm not going to let you do that to me anymore. this incident didn't ruin my holiday and it didn't ruin my weekend. it didn't keep me up at night and i'm not going to let it make me nervous now.

nothing you do affects me anymore. just give it up already. and let my son have the good, non-abusive life that he so deserves.

let there finally be peace in my mind and let me forget i ever knew you.

what do you do when a person isn't rational? when they won't accept any shred of sensibility? when they can't admit defeat? when they refuse to let you go?

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