Saturday, November 29, 2008

refresh










nothing will make you feel better more than a brisk walk on a cool but bright early winter day in door county. we went to shivering sands today, a hidden treasure protected by the nature conservancy.

what brought us to door county in the first place was the nature--it is so gorgeous here, even in the winter. i love the change of the seasons. i've lived in places that were warm all the time (florida, gerogia, arizona, and california) and i really love wisconsin more than all of those places. hard to believe for some people but true...

the winters may be long and get really cold but there is nothing better than walking in a quiet woods through knee-deep snow, which will be here soon enough...nobody near...sitting on a snowbank drinking coffee--getting in a snowball fight...or cross country skiing....or climbing on ice-covered cliffs if you really need your heart pumping.

things look different, smell different, in the winter...it really clears your head.

brandon and i have decided we are going to self-publish a guide on the best spots in door county and algoma for nature, art, food, and other must-see treasures, and for the different seasons. that way when people come visit us and we are too busy with the gallery, we can at least share the best destinations with them.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

designer i'd fuck

why is it that i could never run into a guy like pierre-gilles fourquie? probably because i've never been to france, and even if i were there he would probably never talk to be since i can't speak french. i've been really craving europe lately...and i've never actually been there. i would probably never want to come back.

i randomly came across this pic and i don't know why i like his look so much...

as much as i love brandon i still get attracted to other guys a lot...is that wrong? does that mean i don't really love him as much as i should? hope not.

other times i just wish that brandon were an artist--is that weird? then again that might be too much, to have two artists around. probably wouldn't work out anyway. i couldn't stand anybody that had an ego as big as mine. although it would be nice to have a man that understands art more. it's frustrating to talk to brandon sometimes--it's like talking to a freaking wall. not that he's stupid--just that he is always tired from work and doesn't have the energy to give to me when i'm manic.

i guess that's why i'm on here typing

brandon is actually hotter than this guy...but sometimes i get freaked out over the fact that i've promised to sleep only with brandon for the rest of my life. if he ever thought that way about me i'd be outraged and want to kill him...i guess that's just my double standard

Monday, November 24, 2008

more happy things

first snow!
my kids are soooo happy. the snowpants/boots/hats/gloves selection at target was sweet.
kali's hat is my fave.



sweet stuff in the mail box today! and no bills! (oh wait..those come by e-mail now)
a new book i forgot i ordered: one off--unique retail design and sooo pretty & inspiring
mail art from texas=awesome. will post on visual influence
random knitting project
handmade x-mas cards from mew paper arts (i tried to make my own this x-mas but they look like crap. i'll send those to people i don't really like..just kidding..or am i?)





my red cabinets
putting things away in my studio and having everything micro-organized!
all those empty shelves to fill!





laundry/textile supply area, and some random knitting
on the windowsill--an old box of my dad's filled with shells, bones, and rocks





my new 8 foot, 6 inch long shelf filled with all my clear glass miscellenae
this was brandon's mothers--my kitchen thanks her






my son's room now completely clean & organized and all toys have homes. plus we found this little vintage bank yesterday
vintage globe found at goodwill for cheapo a while back
stained glass handmade by a friend of my mothers that used to babysit me






more shelves hung up, more books put away, boxes unpacked!






palm tree from the craftivism exhibition with a textile cozy assembled by faythe levine
my winterized door in the background, yay for warm kitchens
--and my first knitting project hanging out over there






the view from this chair
still trying to figure out why the snow is melting like that? it's pretty though

last night i had a mini-meltdown for about 2 hours and i really wanted to come on here and bitch about things but then i decided i can't make this blog/zine just about my ranting and raving...
Add Image
so today i went around with my crappy little camera and took some pictures of what is making me happy today

the main things are
--my house is shaping up nicely and getting uber organized, only a few boxes left to unpack
-- my studio is now up and running and makes me smile everytime i see those bright red cabinets and imagining all the possibilities. if you are ever in algoma give me a call and come do some art with me. please. i need some friends around here.
--my kids are happy it snowed and are having fun playing in it

and hey--it's almost thanksgiving! my dad, sister, and niece are coming to visit tomorrow night! yay...mmm....sweet potatoes

Saturday, November 22, 2008

huggin the fridge


You know, maybe it's a good thing I'm grown up now. I got a new fridge today and it makes me waaayy too happy. i mean i actually hugged my fridge. seriously. it's not that i had a bad fridge before--but we needed a new fridge for one of our rental apartments so we were looking through the paper to find a used one. and what we found was amazing--a huge wonderful great *almost* new fridge for really cheap (which is the biggest reason i'm so happy--i love saving $).

and it makes ice. how novel. (wondering if brandon will be able to figure that out any time soon though...)

so we went and got this fridge and spent half a day getting it up our stairs and such--such a pain but worth it! i still can't get over how happy i am about it. it just made me realize that i shouldn't be mad about being a grown up. because i can buy pretty appliances that make me glad i'm alive. that sounds ridiculously pathetic but its true.

and hugging fridges is really better than hugging toilets which is what i used to do

PLUS ya'll get to see the exciting contents of my fridge. i swear there are not two bottles of vodka in my freezer...it's okay they were on sale.

so tomorrow we are taking the fridge we had in our place down to my studio because it's smaller and perfect for drinks and such...then taking the kinda crappy studio fridge up to the rental apartment, you know, fridge shufflin--that's how we like to spend our sundays.

i'm really glad brandon has muscles.

see--all that sadness over the past couple weeks all wiped away.

it's the little things

Friday, November 21, 2008

being grown up blows sometimes


i really just wanted to be crazy tonight--to feel young and free and maybe just have a glimpse of what my life used to be like back when i didn't give a ---

but brandon was sick and the Vacant show was awesome but we were just quick in and out
see i was really hoping for an afterparty or something
and i would have totally been game for driving to madison on a whim or something like that, going to a real party and hanging out with some of my old friends who are still around.

why is it impossible for me to be spontaneous anymore? i miss that about me. that's why i feel so trapped sometimes. brandon didn't want to do that because --even though our kids were safe and sound at grandma's for the entire night and next morning --because why???

damn he looked so good tonight

but we just went home and i was just pissed the whole drive back, brandon's talking about the stars and what order the fucking planets are in--is mars closer or further away from the sun --who the fuck cares? can't you just give me what i need? one night of release, one night of forgetting, or remembering--however you want to look at it. one night of reckless abandon.

everyday i have to be uber responsible. and i don't even have any real friends up here yet. so it's always just the same old shit day after day after day after day after day after day after day

i really do love my life. i just needed something, anything...........

annoyances


The other day I was just so irritated...everything was annoying me...I've just had a bad attitude lately. As you can tell this blog is my spot to bitch. I should really try to be more positive. The good news is, my studio is somewhat finished--enough to work in at least so I've been doing some art! Today I'm working on some small linocut prints for my x-mas cards. If you want to be on my x-mas card list just e-mail me with your address! I'm not really into x-mas this year. In fact, I'm not even going down to visit my family--I just want to chill out and have a nice, quiet, non-stressful x-mas. We'll see how it goes.

In other news--Brandon and I are actually going out tonight and doing something without kids for the first time in like a fucking year. And it's art-related! Yes--we'll be at the Vacant show in Green Bay so I'm very excited to feel like a human again.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

loose ends


I had an episode Friday night that I haven't had in a long time--I completely shut down--I felt so trapped. Hard to explain but it was absolute hell. It had been a long time since I felt like that, probably over a year. I used to do this constantly--sometimes for months at a time. They said I was bi-polar and gave me medication which didn't work. That was a few years ago. I stopped taking it after a year and I immediately felt better--because I had to take responsibility for my own actions. Believe me, the last thing I needed was more drugs.

Later, it was hard for me to accept happiness. Still is sometimes. I have everything going for me right now, exactly the way I wanted it to go--better in fact. Yet sometimes I feel so down on myself, my situation, I want things to be different. It usually happens when I'm overtired, or haven't eaten (I have a problem remembering to eat). Friday all I had eaten the entire day was a piece of toast and a few cups of coffee. I was working really hard on things and all the sudden it was 7:00 PM...I have to stop doing that. To make a long story short I flipped out and never did get anything else to eat that night. I refused to talk to anybody for about four hours, and just stared blankly into space, thinking bad thoughts, spinning down into my old familiar hole. Finally, my son came over and asked what was wrong, and I told him--it's not your fault. it's not dad's fault. i just need to be alone right now...but that really snapped me out of it--like--i'm hurting my son here. he's afraid for me. at that point brandon could see i was coming around and he soothed me the rest of the way. in the morning I felt fine again. Except I'm having an energy problem now. These renovations are really getting overwhelming--I just have to take it one step at a time and not get ahead of myself. Yesterday I pulled staples out of the floor all day. Ish.

I really need my studio finished, but other things have been more important to finish first. Now I realize that my studio is REALLY important for my own sake. I have to finish painting these cabinets so I can put my art supplies away--and therefore have space to actually work. That's probably all that is wrong with me....I haven't done any art for myself in forever. Art for school doesn't count. It's mind-numbingly idotic and almost requires that you can't do anything cutting edge or different. That's another thing--I am so freaking sick of school...but it would be stupid to quit now.

It's hard to be a returning adult student. I always feel like the professors are talking down to me. Going to school I feel like I de-volve. I go from being an adult to being treated like a kid. It's worse than High School because at least then I was stoned all the time. There is one professor in particular this semester that always assumes that students couldn't possibly have any knowledge of art already. It's horrible...

There are so many classes where I already know the information or we are doing very basic projects. It's such a freaking waste of time! Especially art history classes, a subject that I have always been interested in and studied on my own since I was in about sixth grade. I was talking about it to another student and she gasped in amazement at why I never go to class and yet am still getting A's--she said, "have you taken other art history classes?" NO! These kids think that the only way you can learn anything is through classes--no--I've had almost ten years since H.S. to learn on my own here----I actually read books!

Jumping through the hoops for a piece of paper to prove to snobby people that I actually know what I know.

85% of what I've learned in school I knew before or isn't applicable for who I am as a person and what I am doing with my life. The other 15% is of course, awesome--like the classes for gallery management and art business--but what I had to go through to get there--ugh! Luckily, I'm now at the point where I don't have to take any more general or lower level classes! yay! See--there I am looking on the bright side!

I'm going part time next semester, since I'm getting ready to open the gallery. I don't really care how long it takes me to graduate. I'm already doing what I want to do in the real world. I'll suffer through the rest of college. I knew there was a reason I didn't want to go right after H.S....

Friday, November 7, 2008

Loss


Sometimes I just miss Cory so much. I still think of him like he is my best friend. Songs, especially, trigger memories of him. I was listening to "Fade To Black" by Metallica and remember him telling me about when he was a kid he used to lay in his bed listening to that song and contemplate suicide. It's so sad that such a young kid could be tortured so much, as I know many other kids are. That time in your life that everybody has trouble with--but some people can never recover from. Of course all the drinking and drugs didn't help.

Sometimes I wonder if I could have saved him, if somehow his death is my fault. I tried for as long as I could. I believed in him. He could be so intelligent, so talented...there are so many what if's. Sometimes I think about him and I can't admit he's dead, I still think he's in prison. But no, he's never getting out...but he got the out that he wanted for so long. It was his choice.

Sometimes I crave the whole lifestyle we had--the h made us feel like we were gods, it made everything perfect and okay if only for a little while until the misery hit again...Sometimes even now, years later, I still miss that feeling. I can still feel that feeling if I try hard enough, for a split second. It's true what they say that once you're an addict, you always will be.

His name is tattooed on my leg. And I don't regret it.

One of the last letters he wrote me from prison included the lyrics to Radiohead's Creep. In another letter he told me I would find a man one day that treated me the way I deserve to be treated and that I would be happy. He was right. I am happy. But we needed Cory in this world. I don't care what anybody says about junkies. Don't fucking give up on people. If everybody would've given up on me, I would have ended up in prison too. Cory was an extreme case, no doubt...but there is always hope. The problem was HE didn't believe in himself. Luckily, I do believe in myself, which is why I could pick myself up from the muck and CHANGE.

The moral of the story is that people CAN change. I did.