Friday, October 9, 2009

sick


I feel sick in many different ways for the last few days. it started with a slight depression, and then i got a cold. I hate being sick, but still it has given me some time to think. I miss the part of me that I feel I've lost. I doubt a lot right now. I doubt him. I doubt myself.

I'd love to live in a perfect world where everything was organized and brandon worked as hard as I do. But it just seems like I do everything, and I'm so overwhelmed.

All I do is work for other people, or for some crazy goal which I won't be happy with even if I get that far. I guess it's just that not muchmakes me happy anymore, and I don't know why.

The times I was the happiest was when I was a kid. I guess it's because I felt taken care of, and now I feel so much on my own. That's why I feel in love with Brandon in the first place, is because I thought he took care of me so well. But ever since his car accident almost a year ago, all I've done is take care of him, and I've gotten hardly anything back. The couple times I've been sick or depressed during that time he's been sick too, or just plain selfish.

I don't know why I feel the need to ramble about this. I guess it's because typing is easier than writing sometimes, and sharing with the internet world is easier than talking.

i just feel so fake, and i need some kind of reassurance.....or maybe i need to learn how not to crave that reassurance. maybe i just need my self confidence back. maybe i should just stop being so fucking paranoid all the time.

life was better when i had drugs to take the edge off. it sucks being clean.