Tuesday, June 2, 2009

today was a cramp day




I feel so horrible today. I woke up in agony. So much pain from cramps, the worst in like 10 years probably. It felt like I was having contractions--that bad. I was literally crying. Brandon gave me one of his pain pills and it went away in about an hour, but then I felt weird and sick to my stomach.

I can't have days like this right now. I have too much to do. I'm so filled with doubt sometimes, and paranoia. I always work soooooo hard to make things happen and fight my way through all these hardships and battles, and then I'm so scared that someday it's all going to fall apart, or things aren't going to actually work out how I need them to. It's impossible for me sometimes, to just sit back and enjoy the process of things happening and just be happy with what I have already.

So I sat down today and wrote and illustrated a children's book idea that I had been ruminating on for awhile now. It turned out really good I think! I layed it out like a quarter page zine, except I fucked up the layout and have to do it over.

It's always gotta be something.

People have the habit of asking me, when they see me doing something, "What are you doing that for?" I hate that. No--I'm not doing that for a school project. I'm not doing it for a "job". I'm not doing it for anybody else except for myself, and the people that might appreciate it. Why do people need so many reasons to create?