The Wandering Uterus

sick

2009-10-09T08:44:00.000-07:00

I feel sick in many different ways for the last few days. it started with a slight depression, and then i got a cold. I hate being sick, but still it has given me some time to think. I miss the part of me that I feel I've lost. I doubt a lot right now. I doubt him. I doubt myself.

I'd love to live in a perfect world where everything was organized and brandon worked as hard as I do. But it just seems like I do everything, and I'm so overwhelmed.

All I do is work for other people, or for some crazy goal which I won't be happy with even if I get that far. I guess it's just that not muchmakes me happy anymore, and I don't know why.

The times I was the happiest was when I was a kid. I guess it's because I felt taken care of, and now I feel so much on my own. That's why I feel in love with Brandon in the first place, is because I thought he took care of me so well. But ever since his car accident almost a year ago, all I've done is take care of him, and I've gotten hardly anything back. The couple times I've been sick or depressed during that time he's been sick too, or just plain selfish.

I don't know why I feel the need to ramble about this. I guess it's because typing is easier than writing sometimes, and sharing with the internet world is easier than talking.

i just feel so fake, and i need some kind of reassurance.....or maybe i need to learn how not to crave that reassurance. maybe i just need my self confidence back. maybe i should just stop being so fucking paranoid all the time.

life was better when i had drugs to take the edge off. it sucks being clean.

hidden

2009-08-24T20:38:00.000-07:00

i'm enjoying that this blog is my hidden little place where i can write things for the world to see and yet i feel so very alone. i don't link to this blog from anywhere. only people that read my zine, or really know me, or just happen to come across this page read what i write here. that's pretty cool.

it's like anti-press.

i just thought i'd bitch a little bit about boys. they are so freaking stupid. i've been living with mine for four years and he doesn't do shit. but we have good sex, and sometimes i think that's all we have.

it's just nice to have this little place where i can be honest. i tried to talk to him tonight but he gives me no response. i thought all day about what i would say to him, how i would express how i felt, without getting angry--just really being honest. but the only response i got was the same old excuses and then silence.

i am feeling like i do all the work and he does the bare minimum. but he doesn't really care.

sometimes i just doubt him so much. but yet the thought of him leaving makes me sick to my stomach. i do love him.

i want sour patch kids.

dyxj==!!!!!!

today was a cramp day

2009-06-02T19:48:00.001-07:00

I feel so horrible today. I woke up in agony. So much pain from cramps, the worst in like 10 years probably. It felt like I was having contractions--that bad. I was literally crying. Brandon gave me one of his pain pills and it went away in about an hour, but then I felt weird and sick to my stomach.

I can't have days like this right now. I have too much to do. I'm so filled with doubt sometimes, and paranoia. I always work soooooo hard to make things happen and fight my way through all these hardships and battles, and then I'm so scared that someday it's all going to fall apart, or things aren't going to actually work out how I need them to. It's impossible for me sometimes, to just sit back and enjoy the process of things happening and just be happy with what I have already.

So I sat down today and wrote and illustrated a children's book idea that I had been ruminating on for awhile now. It turned out really good I think! I layed it out like a quarter page zine, except I fucked up the layout and have to do it over.

It's always gotta be something.

People have the habit of asking me, when they see me doing something, "What are you doing that for?" I hate that. No--I'm not doing that for a school project. I'm not doing it for a "job". I'm not doing it for anybody else except for myself, and the people that might appreciate it. Why do people need so many reasons to create?

facebook group

2009-05-01T06:54:00.000-07:00

There is a Facebook group for the Wandering Uterus now....just thought I should let you know in case you are into that.

Join here

volume three!

2009-04-29T15:55:00.000-07:00

the printed zine is back! volume three now up and running! the zine has a different look now--half size, 16 pages, black/white images, stapled instead of stab bound.

however, each issue is now a limited edition of 50, and is signed and numbered by the artist!

volume three includes black/white photos of my artwork, the full article "curating alternative spaces" which as been popular on the gallery website, other writings by myself, some great art quotes, and other inspiration.

if you are interested, you can buy it here. as always, feel free to e-mail me at sarah@theeclipsegallery.com

peace.

WRONG!

2009-02-17T09:41:00.000-08:00

I freaking hate negative people. When I was first thinking of buying the building I now own for the gallery, my in-laws were extremely negative about the entire prospect. They said, "It's a bad time" "The renovations will cost too much" "You need to finish college first" "The kids won't have a big yard" and all sorts of nonsense. It was very aggravating, and so we didn't include them in our plans at all. They were not informed about the entire months long process until we actually owned the building--so there. The one fix that they said would cost the most and devastate us were some bricks that were falling down from the back of the building. They said, "That will cost you $40,000!!!!!!!" Well....hehehehe....we got the estimate today and it's going to cost a whopping $1300!!!!! HA!

These are the same kind of people that will tell you that your dreams are not practical. They will tell you that you should work a day job. They will tell you that it's not possible, to play it safe, to not take any chances. They think you should work a soul-deadening job your whole life just so you can retire in fucking Florida. Thank god my parents were different.

My parents told me, "Of course you can be an artist" and that anything was possible if I believed in my dreams. My parents started me in violin lessons when I was three and reading books since I was four. My parents let me make my own mistakes and live my own life, never discouraging me--EVER--even when they knew I was making the wrong choice. And yeah, there were times when I had to learn the hard way, but that's what I needed. That's what made me become an independent, creative, bold person.

Whoever is telling you to NOT do something, even if it's that little voice in your head....

DON'T LISTEN! Don't let a few falling down bricks stand in your way.

why?

2009-01-15T12:47:00.000-08:00

why does everything always go wrong, take longer than expected, cost more than estimated? why does the world fuck me over every time? maybe this is why everybody always told me it was a long shot, maybe i really do dream impossible dreams....

so i guess it will just take me longer than expected, so what--it's better than ending it i suppose.
even during the times where i'm at my darkest i know deep down i really don't want it to end. as comforting as that thought might be. i've already been through enough to know that it would be a waste.

i guess i've always set unreasonable goals. why i shouldn't be surprised that they don't always work out. i teeter totter between optimism and despair. it might be easier to quit, but i really can't do anything else.

i really can't do anything else. i can't work 9-5. i can't be in an office, doing the drudge work. the only think i know how to do is art-related. and that's all i want to do.

i guess i can't let a bit of money stand in my way, we'll find it somehow, someway. it will probably be easier than i think. it usually is when i feel like this. things always work out somehow.

why life has to be so confusing, i don't know

Mother to Son

2008-12-21T16:02:00.000-08:00

Well, son, I'll tell you:
Life for me ain't been no crystal stair.
It's had tacks in it,
And splinters,
And boards torn up,
And places with no carpet on the floor—
Bare.
But all the time
I'se been a-climbin' on,
And reachin' landin's,
And turnin' corners,
And sometimes goin' in the dark
Where there ain't been no light.
So, boy, don't you turn back.
Don't you set down on the steps.
'Cause you finds it's kinder hard.
Don't you fall now—
For I'se still goin', honey,
I'se still climbin',
And life for me ain't been no crystal stair.

--Langston Hughes

P.S. I got a new camera--a Nikon P80 and it ROCKS.
P.P.S. Unfortunately, I'm on my eighth day sitting with Brandon in the hospital. He got in a car accident (not his fault) and is in fairly bad shape. Hopefully will be getting out tomorrow but months and months of rehab after....let's just say it sucks ass.

Please make sure to check out my updated websites--they're shiny and bright and make me happy

Visual Influence
The Emergence Project
The Eclipse Gallery

And just to warn you, I love Wordpress so much now I might be switching this blog over too. Then again, I might not. Maybe this is better off on the DL for people who actually care to dig deep enough into who I am to find it.

camera broken!

2008-12-08T12:55:00.000-08:00

my camera broke last weekend, first i dropped it right on the lens on Thanksgiving (a bit too much bloody mary's and wine, combined with high heels, I think) and Brandon actually took it all apart, got it working again somewhat (although half the pictures were blurry for some reason) anyway...so then this weekend it finally just refused to turn on..poop.

brandon went Christmas shopping for me yesterday and when he came home said, oh I have a present you need to have right away--it's important you have it now. So I'm thinking--sweet! a new camera. Nope. it was a paper shredder. he said---i shit you not--"now you can save the earth a bit more instead of waiting until after christmas" (because instead of recycling my bills and stuff with our info on it I throw them away because I had my identity stolen before yes! isn't my life wonderful???) and the other box for me looks like it might be a mixer--something i've wanted for awhile now, and the box is that size, and heavy...but i'm thinking of asking him now, so that i can exchange it for a camera....would that be awful?

ugh..actually what i really need is glasses. i've been reading all day and my eyes are sooo freaking blurry and glazed over right now. it sucks.

snowed in

2008-12-03T13:27:00.000-08:00

lots of snow today.............

can't do it/not today

2008-12-02T08:47:00.000-08:00

feel nothing

stuck in chair

staring at something that isn't

hating time

wanting to slip

i can't do

can't move

i can't find

no direction

can't do

can't go

everything

falling apart

nothing ever does

snow

should be happy

bills to pay

minds to make

risks to take

paint to spray

can't do it

not today

random ambition

pick up violin, play

fingers clumsy after all

can't feel, only think

why didn't...............................................

how can it feel this wrong?

Battling again

slept on the couch

pissed

about past

crisp brisk walk

hurt

hate

he doesn't want

says it couldn't be

made our choices

so he says

but

only had

it wasn't

just want

with you

i guess that's too much

can't take it

disconnected

didn't respond

stared

not a fucking word

shut down

slept

later

he loved me

asshole

wish we could

but you can't

no matter

dolly freed

2008-12-02T07:17:00.000-08:00

image credit

Possum Living

DOLLY FREED

Do you want to get out of the rat race but not drop out? Do you want to live a life of leisure without worry or guilt? If your answer is yes, Dolly Freed will show you how to live well without a job and without working very hard.

After discussing reasons why you should or shouldn't give up your job, POSSUM LIVING gives you details about the cheapest ways with the best results to buy and maintain your own home, dress well, cope with the law, stay healthy, and keep up a middle-class facade--whether you live in the city, in the suburbs, or in a small town. In a delightful, straightforward style, Dolly Freed explains how to be lazy, proud, miserly, and honest, live well, and enjoy leisure. She shares her knowledge of what you do need--your own home, for example--and what you don't need--such as doctors, lawyers, and insurance. And she has a lot of realistic advice about saving money, as well as practical information about

* buying a house cheaply through a foreclosure or back-tax sale

* raising and slaughtering rabbits

* catching and cooking fish and turtles

* distilling your own moonshine

Mainly, however, through her own example, she hopes to inspire you to do some independent thinking about how economics affects the course of your life now and may do so in the coming "age of shortages."

If you ever wondered what it would be like to be in greater control of your own life, POSSUM LIVING will show you--and help you do it for yourself.

DOLLY FREED and her father have lived outside of Philadelphia in their own house on a half-acre lot for almost five years. They produce their own food and drink and spend about $700 each per year. Dolly is 19 years old and lists her occupation as "chief possum."

UNIVERSE BOOKS 381 Park Avenue South New York, N.Y. 10016 ISBN 0-87663-987-2

Keep Reading...

Reviews

nervoussssssssssssness

2008-12-01T12:39:00.000-08:00

lots of things to be nervous about today....not a particularly great feeling but

my son's biological dad tried to snatch matt out of school behind my back the day before thanksgiving. he hasn't seen him in about a year and we are currently in a custody dispute. he didn't even call me, stop by my house (like he usually does with the cops like a moron) or anything--just went to the school and tried to take him (not the first time he has pulled a stunt like this). luckily my son's school has a great security system, and told him to go on his way.. but they were still scared for matt's safety and even kept him inside during recess...i was so paranoid the whole weekend that the fuckhead would break into our house or something--he is so off and there is nothing i can do.

i had a dream last night that i talked to him on the phone and called him out about everything he had ever done to me--raping me when i was seventeen, getting me on crack, controlling me, manipulating me for years, and the lies and deception and falsehoods, the physical abuse, the threats, making my life hell for the last 8 years....and that he just left me alone after that. i mean seriously--you knocked up a 19 year old girl that you had brainwashed and strung out for two years when you were 48 years old--and now that she has turned her life around and is being such a good mother to your "son" you are going to fuck with her every chance you get. wow that really shows so much appreciation for the person that is raising your kid, let alone a person you DESTROYED the life of at one time.

just leave me alone! please! i've paid 8 years for this mistake why can't it just be dealt with, gone, done?!

i know you have nothing else but this vauge connection to my son...but he's not yours. he's not. and he never has been. the only thing you have ever brought us is misery, pain, and confusion. if i could ever say i hated someone it would be you.

and you know exactly what hurts me. and you know exactly what makes me nervous. but i'm not going to let you do that to me anymore. this incident didn't ruin my holiday and it didn't ruin my weekend. it didn't keep me up at night and i'm not going to let it make me nervous now.

nothing you do affects me anymore. just give it up already. and let my son have the good, non-abusive life that he so deserves.

let there finally be peace in my mind and let me forget i ever knew you.

what do you do when a person isn't rational? when they won't accept any shred of sensibility? when they can't admit defeat? when they refuse to let you go?

refresh

2008-11-29T12:20:00.001-08:00

nothing will make you feel better more than a brisk walk on a cool but bright early winter day in door county. we went to shivering sands today, a hidden treasure protected by the nature conservancy.

what brought us to door county in the first place was the nature--it is so gorgeous here, even in the winter. i love the change of the seasons. i've lived in places that were warm all the time (florida, gerogia, arizona, and california) and i really love wisconsin more than all of those places. hard to believe for some people but true...

the winters may be long and get really cold but there is nothing better than walking in a quiet woods through knee-deep snow, which will be here soon enough...nobody near...sitting on a snowbank drinking coffee--getting in a snowball fight...or cross country skiing....or climbing on ice-covered cliffs if you really need your heart pumping.

things look different, smell different, in the winter...it really clears your head.

brandon and i have decided we are going to self-publish a guide on the best spots in door county and algoma for nature, art, food, and other must-see treasures, and for the different seasons. that way when people come visit us and we are too busy with the gallery, we can at least share the best destinations with them.

designer i'd fuck

2008-11-25T09:40:00.001-08:00

why is it that i could never run into a guy like pierre-gilles fourquie? probably because i've never been to france, and even if i were there he would probably never talk to be since i can't speak french. i've been really craving europe lately...and i've never actually been there. i would probably never want to come back.

i randomly came across this pic and i don't know why i like his look so much...

as much as i love brandon i still get attracted to other guys a lot...is that wrong? does that mean i don't really love him as much as i should? hope not.

other times i just wish that brandon were an artist--is that weird? then again that might be too much, to have two artists around. probably wouldn't work out anyway. i couldn't stand anybody that had an ego as big as mine. although it would be nice to have a man that understands art more. it's frustrating to talk to brandon sometimes--it's like talking to a freaking wall. not that he's stupid--just that he is always tired from work and doesn't have the energy to give to me when i'm manic.

i guess that's why i'm on here typing

brandon is actually hotter than this guy...but sometimes i get freaked out over the fact that i've promised to sleep only with brandon for the rest of my life. if he ever thought that way about me i'd be outraged and want to kill him...i guess that's just my double standard

more happy things

2008-11-24T12:51:00.000-08:00

first snow!
my kids are soooo happy. the snowpants/boots/hats/gloves selection at target was sweet.
kali's hat is my fave.

sweet stuff in the mail box today! and no bills! (oh wait..those come by e-mail now)
a new book i forgot i ordered: one off--unique retail design and sooo pretty & inspiring
mail art from texas=awesome. will post on visual influence
random knitting project
handmade x-mas cards from mew paper arts (i tried to make my own this x-mas but they look like crap. i'll send those to people i don't really like..just kidding..or am i?)

my red cabinets
putting things away in my studio and having everything micro-organized!
all those empty shelves to fill!

laundry/textile supply area, and some random knitting
on the windowsill--an old box of my dad's filled with shells, bones, and rocks

my new 8 foot, 6 inch long shelf filled with all my clear glass miscellenae
this was brandon's mothers--my kitchen thanks her

my son's room now completely clean & organized and all toys have homes. plus we found this little vintage bank yesterday
vintage globe found at goodwill for cheapo a while back
stained glass handmade by a friend of my mothers that used to babysit me

more shelves hung up, more books put away, boxes unpacked!

palm tree from the craftivism exhibition with a textile cozy assembled by faythe levine
my winterized door in the background, yay for warm kitchens
--and my first knitting project hanging out over there

the view from this chair
still trying to figure out why the snow is melting like that? it's pretty though

last night i had a mini-meltdown for about 2 hours and i really wanted to come on here and bitch about things but then i decided i can't make this blog/zine just about my ranting and raving...

so today i went around with my crappy little camera and took some pictures of what is making me happy today

the main things are
--my house is shaping up nicely and getting uber organized, only a few boxes left to unpack
-- my studio is now up and running and makes me smile everytime i see those bright red cabinets and imagining all the possibilities. if you are ever in algoma give me a call and come do some art with me. please. i need some friends around here.
--my kids are happy it snowed and are having fun playing in it

and hey--it's almost thanksgiving! my dad, sister, and niece are coming to visit tomorrow night! yay...mmm....sweet potatoes

huggin the fridge

2008-11-22T20:56:00.000-08:00

You know, maybe it's a good thing I'm grown up now. I got a new fridge today and it makes me waaayy too happy. i mean i actually hugged my fridge. seriously. it's not that i had a bad fridge before--but we needed a new fridge for one of our rental apartments so we were looking through the paper to find a used one. and what we found was amazing--a huge wonderful great *almost* new fridge for really cheap (which is the biggest reason i'm so happy--i love saving $).

and it makes ice. how novel. (wondering if brandon will be able to figure that out any time soon though...)

so we went and got this fridge and spent half a day getting it up our stairs and such--such a pain but worth it! i still can't get over how happy i am about it. it just made me realize that i shouldn't be mad about being a grown up. because i can buy pretty appliances that make me glad i'm alive. that sounds ridiculously pathetic but its true.

and hugging fridges is really better than hugging toilets which is what i used to do

PLUS ya'll get to see the exciting contents of my fridge. i swear there are not two bottles of vodka in my freezer...it's okay they were on sale.

so tomorrow we are taking the fridge we had in our place down to my studio because it's smaller and perfect for drinks and such...then taking the kinda crappy studio fridge up to the rental apartment, you know, fridge shufflin--that's how we like to spend our sundays.

i'm really glad brandon has muscles.

see--all that sadness over the past couple weeks all wiped away.

it's the little things

being grown up blows sometimes

2008-11-21T21:08:00.000-08:00

i really just wanted to be crazy tonight--to feel young and free and maybe just have a glimpse of what my life used to be like back when i didn't give a ---

but brandon was sick and the Vacant show was awesome but we were just quick in and out
see i was really hoping for an afterparty or something
and i would have totally been game for driving to madison on a whim or something like that, going to a real party and hanging out with some of my old friends who are still around.

why is it impossible for me to be spontaneous anymore? i miss that about me. that's why i feel so trapped sometimes. brandon didn't want to do that because --even though our kids were safe and sound at grandma's for the entire night and next morning --because why???

damn he looked so good tonight

but we just went home and i was just pissed the whole drive back, brandon's talking about the stars and what order the fucking planets are in--is mars closer or further away from the sun --who the fuck cares? can't you just give me what i need? one night of release, one night of forgetting, or remembering--however you want to look at it. one night of reckless abandon.

everyday i have to be uber responsible. and i don't even have any real friends up here yet. so it's always just the same old shit day after day after day after day after day after day after day

i really do love my life. i just needed something, anything...........

annoyances

2008-11-21T09:33:00.001-08:00

The other day I was just so irritated...everything was annoying me...I've just had a bad attitude lately. As you can tell this blog is my spot to bitch. I should really try to be more positive. The good news is, my studio is somewhat finished--enough to work in at least so I've been doing some art! Today I'm working on some small linocut prints for my x-mas cards. If you want to be on my x-mas card list just e-mail me with your address! I'm not really into x-mas this year. In fact, I'm not even going down to visit my family--I just want to chill out and have a nice, quiet, non-stressful x-mas. We'll see how it goes.

In other news--Brandon and I are actually going out tonight and doing something without kids for the first time in like a fucking year. And it's art-related! Yes--we'll be at the Vacant show in Green Bay so I'm very excited to feel like a human again.

loose ends

2008-11-16T08:15:00.000-08:00

I had an episode Friday night that I haven't had in a long time--I completely shut down--I felt so trapped. Hard to explain but it was absolute hell. It had been a long time since I felt like that, probably over a year. I used to do this constantly--sometimes for months at a time. They said I was bi-polar and gave me medication which didn't work. That was a few years ago. I stopped taking it after a year and I immediately felt better--because I had to take responsibility for my own actions. Believe me, the last thing I needed was more drugs.

Later, it was hard for me to accept happiness. Still is sometimes. I have everything going for me right now, exactly the way I wanted it to go--better in fact. Yet sometimes I feel so down on myself, my situation, I want things to be different. It usually happens when I'm overtired, or haven't eaten (I have a problem remembering to eat). Friday all I had eaten the entire day was a piece of toast and a few cups of coffee. I was working really hard on things and all the sudden it was 7:00 PM...I have to stop doing that. To make a long story short I flipped out and never did get anything else to eat that night. I refused to talk to anybody for about four hours, and just stared blankly into space, thinking bad thoughts, spinning down into my old familiar hole. Finally, my son came over and asked what was wrong, and I told him--it's not your fault. it's not dad's fault. i just need to be alone right now...but that really snapped me out of it--like--i'm hurting my son here. he's afraid for me. at that point brandon could see i was coming around and he soothed me the rest of the way. in the morning I felt fine again. Except I'm having an energy problem now. These renovations are really getting overwhelming--I just have to take it one step at a time and not get ahead of myself. Yesterday I pulled staples out of the floor all day. Ish.

I really need my studio finished, but other things have been more important to finish first. Now I realize that my studio is REALLY important for my own sake. I have to finish painting these cabinets so I can put my art supplies away--and therefore have space to actually work. That's probably all that is wrong with me....I haven't done any art for myself in forever. Art for school doesn't count. It's mind-numbingly idotic and almost requires that you can't do anything cutting edge or different. That's another thing--I am so freaking sick of school...but it would be stupid to quit now.

It's hard to be a returning adult student. I always feel like the professors are talking down to me. Going to school I feel like I de-volve. I go from being an adult to being treated like a kid. It's worse than High School because at least then I was stoned all the time. There is one professor in particular this semester that always assumes that students couldn't possibly have any knowledge of art already. It's horrible...

There are so many classes where I already know the information or we are doing very basic projects. It's such a freaking waste of time! Especially art history classes, a subject that I have always been interested in and studied on my own since I was in about sixth grade. I was talking about it to another student and she gasped in amazement at why I never go to class and yet am still getting A's--she said, "have you taken other art history classes?" NO! These kids think that the only way you can learn anything is through classes--no--I've had almost ten years since H.S. to learn on my own here----I actually read books!

Jumping through the hoops for a piece of paper to prove to snobby people that I actually know what I know.

85% of what I've learned in school I knew before or isn't applicable for who I am as a person and what I am doing with my life. The other 15% is of course, awesome--like the classes for gallery management and art business--but what I had to go through to get there--ugh! Luckily, I'm now at the point where I don't have to take any more general or lower level classes! yay! See--there I am looking on the bright side!

I'm going part time next semester, since I'm getting ready to open the gallery. I don't really care how long it takes me to graduate. I'm already doing what I want to do in the real world. I'll suffer through the rest of college. I knew there was a reason I didn't want to go right after H.S....

Loss

2008-11-07T12:22:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I just miss Cory so much. I still think of him like he is my best friend. Songs, especially, trigger memories of him. I was listening to "Fade To Black" by Metallica and remember him telling me about when he was a kid he used to lay in his bed listening to that song and contemplate suicide. It's so sad that such a young kid could be tortured so much, as I know many other kids are. That time in your life that everybody has trouble with--but some people can never recover from. Of course all the drinking and drugs didn't help.

Sometimes I wonder if I could have saved him, if somehow his death is my fault. I tried for as long as I could. I believed in him. He could be so intelligent, so talented...there are so many what if's. Sometimes I think about him and I can't admit he's dead, I still think he's in prison. But no, he's never getting out...but he got the out that he wanted for so long. It was his choice.

Sometimes I crave the whole lifestyle we had--the h made us feel like we were gods, it made everything perfect and okay if only for a little while until the misery hit again...Sometimes even now, years later, I still miss that feeling. I can still feel that feeling if I try hard enough, for a split second. It's true what they say that once you're an addict, you always will be.

His name is tattooed on my leg. And I don't regret it.

One of the last letters he wrote me from prison included the lyrics to Radiohead's Creep. In another letter he told me I would find a man one day that treated me the way I deserve to be treated and that I would be happy. He was right. I am happy. But we needed Cory in this world. I don't care what anybody says about junkies. Don't fucking give up on people. If everybody would've given up on me, I would have ended up in prison too. Cory was an extreme case, no doubt...but there is always hope. The problem was HE didn't believe in himself. Luckily, I do believe in myself, which is why I could pick myself up from the muck and CHANGE.

The moral of the story is that people CAN change. I did.

Sample Pages

2008-10-17T10:38:00.001-07:00

According to the requirements, each cover has to be hand-printed. All of mine will be slightly varied in color, etc.

These pages will be split into fourths, text on one side, image on the other....

dreams really do come true

2008-10-17T09:08:00.000-07:00

I am working on a special limited edition of The Wandering Uterus for the genericZineexchange.

dreams really do come true will be my theme, as I am so entirely happy with me life right now.

Make sure to check out the link for this exchange, and make some zines for it! Basically you make 25, and for $10, you get back 20 different zines!

ecommerce sucks

2008-10-16T10:08:00.001-07:00

I am in e-commerce hell right now. Why is it so hard to find somebody to design my website?

Exhaustion

2008-09-30T08:40:00.000-07:00

I can't tell you how happy I am right now to be sitting down. This is the first break I've had (except for those few moments when I practically collapsed with exhaustion) since Friday. We moved into our new building this weekend and it was an enormous job. We had some friends and family help us, but it was still overwhelming, and still is. Everything is in boxes. I couldn't even find my deoderant this morning. I also didn't have time to take a shower because I set my alarm wrong. I'm so tired I don't even care how I look or smell. I have classes today and this was the first time I took the elevator instead of the stairs, and it was also the first time in my college career that I didn't have the assignment done. And I don't care. I can't believe I even made it to school today. My back hurts and I am losing my breath easily. I also have a cough.

And it's not going to get any easier. Tonight I have to finish cleaning my old apartment (I was there for nine hours yesterday and it still isn't done. At one point I was so tired that I went to the bathroom and forgot to zip and button my pants afterward--the worst part is I didn't realize it until about 10 minutes later) And then I have to go home and try to get a little more organized. Find my deodorant at least.

The rest of the week will entail catching up on assignments, unpacking and organizing, and then I will be fixing up this building for the next ten years. The good news is, by June, I should have the gallery up and running.

full boxes & empty bookcases

2008-09-22T06:56:00.000-07:00

The hardest thing about transition is the time you spend waiting. At least for me. We are moving this weekend, and closing on the building that we bought if all goes as planned. There have been so many setbacks with buying this building, the first closing date we set was on Sept. 9th, and now we are pushing for the 26th. I'm really stressed because we have to be out of our apartment by the end of this month and we have to move in one weekend.

But the worst thing of all is that, during all of this, all of my art supplies are packed away. I thought I could pack them in advance because I didn't really "need" them. Now all I have is my sketchbook and my camera. And my camera is seriously on it's last leg. The zoom no longer works--aguah! I'm going crazy! The worst thing in the world is to get an idea and not be able to dive right into it. I usually have 100 projects going on at once--that's the way I work.

Looking on the bright side, this is my new studio kitchen, dedicated to art and art only. I cannot wait to fill up those cabinets with supplies! The studio is split up in two areas--the other half has one of those huge deep stainless steel sinks and a big vent hood, as well as a ton more room! My studio is situated behind my gallery and store space, and I have a separate room for my office as well! I won't know what to do with myself with all this room!

Only four days 'till the move!

Victory Triptych

2008-09-17T09:40:00.000-07:00

Scared, Photograph

From Sacred to Amused, Photograph

From Amused to Empowered, Photograph

You can't hurt me anymore. You no longer have control. I once was scared, but now I'm free. I was lost with you, but now I'm home. You don't even know who I am. You never did. I won this battle, and I will win the war. The tables are turned now, aren't they? Karma's a bitch, isn't it? You are getting exactly what you deserve. So am I.

Some of you know that I am in the middle of a custody battle for my six year old son. His biological dad is evil incarnate, and was trying to get me thrown into jail by making many false accusations against me. I went to court yesterday and the judge threw the case out within 10 minutes. Now I am filing for full custody, and it will be a long process, but hopefully, if there is any justice in this world, my son won't have to be subjected to that lunatic. I just want what is best for my son and for him to have a normal life without any bad things happening. I'm so scared for my son. But after this triumph in the courtroom, I feel much more confident that the judge will see it my way.

Another little zine

2008-09-12T17:42:00.000-07:00

Here are a few sample images from a new little zine I just made. It's a limited edition photo zine about the last day of summer, featuring 42 photographs of my kids running through the sprinkler. No text. It's hand-bound (like The Wandering Uterus) using the Japanese stab binding method, and it's small, only 3.5" x 3.5". And I'm charging $5 for it because even though it's little, it's a limited edition.

If you are interested in purchasing, e-mail me at sarah@theeclipsegallery.com

Summer is gone....

2008-08-28T13:52:00.000-07:00

And here comes a hectic fall schedule. I have so much going on with my life right now that is really scary. Sometimes I honestly don't know how I am going to be able to handle it all.

I just turned 26, but I'm still in college finishing up my degree because I didn't start school until I was 23. So I have a full semester ahead of me including 16 credits. My son, Matt is in 1st grade and is involved in Cubscouts and sports, so that is always a lot of work. And then I have my four-year-old step daughter Kali whom I teach violin to and we practice our violins together everyday, have tea-parties, and do hair, among other girly things that are fun but time-consuming.

THEN, I just bought a building for my gallery and home that I will be closing on in a couple weeks. I have inspections, and paperwork, and praying that the deal will go through. Then we will be packing an entire house and moving, getting settled in a new place, and try to completely renovate the storefront so that I can open my gallery by NEXT SUMMER. I don't know how the hell we are going to get it done in time, but that is the goal and we will try.

Other worries include a gruesome custody battle that is going on right now with my son's biological father, who is being a real jerk to me, (apparently I'm a horrible child-eating monster) even though he is the one who hasn't been active in his son's life EVER. I won't even get into it, it makes me so angry. All I have ever done is be the best mom possible, I do everything for our kids, and always put them first. He has done NOTHING and yet thinks he can drag me into court, wasting a ton of my money, for what? For him to flake out on Matt again? Lots of bad feelings there. This is the same guy that got me addicted to crack when I was 17, raped me, and kept me under his control (and the drug's control) for two years of my life, while we lived in trucks and cockroach motels. And he was 47 years old at the time!

What is so awful about the past, is that you can never escape it. I have another court date on September 16th, where I am going to have to DEFEND myself against this crazy man's accusations! That's what really gets to me. I've come so far in my life, especially within the past three or four years. I've completely evolved as a person and have grown up exponentially. I am now a creative, smart, responsible, loving, adult. But I'm still being punished for the mistakes I made when I was a teenager.

However, I can't bitch because all of my dreams are becoming true. I am about the become a gallery owner, something I have wanted to be since I was nine years old and ran the Mango Jam Art Shop out of a little room off my parent's dining room.

BUT, I LOVE fall, and I am even starting to love winter. So whenever I get stressed, I will go walk on the beach in my new home of Algoma, or take a walk through the woods of Door County, and remember how far I've come and how happy I am. Truly. You can't help where you've been, but at least you are in control of where you are going.

People can change. I did.

A Few Photos

2008-08-28T13:42:00.000-07:00

This is what I usually ignore about Wisconsin. It is so beautiful here in many ways--the nature that always inspires me, the friendly people, even the snow (which surprisingly, I've been missing lately) But once in awhile I find something a bit interesting, or humorous, about the more mundane aspects of sights like store windows and such. My friend from Design for Mankind puts it well--it's all about the in betweens.

What's this all about?

2008-07-18T08:40:00.000-07:00

Call me crazy, but I made another blog...

I don't know why I feel the need to take on 100 projects at once, but I do and I love it. My life seems to only fulfill me if I have the option to hop from one project to another all day. My typical day goes like this....

Wake up and drink tea or coffee

Get my kids breakfast

Check my e-mails and other things while they are eating

Do a project with my kids or go outside, depending on weather

Lunch (I usually don't eat anything myself until around one)

Nap time for little one and rest/read time for my boy

During this time I work work work work work work work on my art, usually flitting around my house to different projects like a butterfly to different flowers

Later I do some more things with my kids, and possibly clean

Make dinner, eat, and then go back on the computer or do art while dad takes over watching the kids and bathing them. Then, the beloved BED TIME and a whole night of insomnia, staying up until 2 in the morning and working on art or the computer!

I love my life!

I run a gallery website at The Emergence Project

and I blog about my personal work and mail art at Visual Influence

and lately I started the zine, The Wandering Uterus...

But lately the Mail Art has been taking over Visual Influence, the blog of which was originally started to showcase my work and talk about my visual influences...

Now I get so much Mail Art that the majority of my posts are Mail Art--which is awesome don't get me wrong--but I just realized that is why I needed another outlet with the Zine, because I lost my place to blog about my personal art and issues.

So that is why we are here. And since The Wandering Uterus refers to misconceptions about women and their mental health issues and such, this really is the perfect place for me to talk about myself and my art and my zine.

Ta da!

Now that we have everything straighten out, and all of my different projects segmented onto different blogs and websites, we can get down to it...